It truly is very hard dealing with this.  I am so thankful that my family has been very supportive.  My sister-in-law came down for several reasons, but while she is here she has determined to help us out in any way possible.  She has watched our boys for us while we try to take care of business and it has truly been a blessing.  My brother came down for a few days too … and we all hung out at my mom’s house on Saturday.  It was great time.  We had some friends come over and visit with us Saturday morning… thank you.  I’ve had several friends call me, and I’m sure Laura has had several call her… All of your fb wishes, thoughts, and prayers… we really appreciate them… and need them.

But, that looming feeling is here.  It permeates ever second, every action, every thought, every aspect of every day now.  I know it is coming.  I know the hurt and heartache, the disappointments (surgeries didn’t work, pressure is still high, cataract is now forming, now he has a lazy eye…), the helpless feelings, the anger… it’s all right here knocking on my door.  I look at my son and feel the guilt.  The guilt of knowing that I’m about to send him into a dark hole of pain, suffering, fear.  I know it is all for a “good” cause… nevertheless, it does hurt him.  He does suffer.  He will be terrified.  It is hard.  It will get harder.

I’m not sure if it is easier… or harder the second time around.  We know what is ahead.  We know what the chances are; the routines; the side effects of the drops; the time it takes out of our lives; the exhaustion it causes… does all of that make it easier to deal with or harder to deal with … I just can’t tell at this moment.  Maybe, I’ll revisit this a while later…who knows?

After scheduling the surgeries just last week… something changed in our everyday lives.  There is a definitive moment when Laura and I both changed.  We each deal with things in our own way.  We each deal with it very differently.  However, we both hold most of it inside.  With Christopher, we talked about all of it… all the time with each other.  With Wayne… we just can’t talk to each other about it … at all.  So, we hold it inside.  It does come out… in bad ways…  It intensifies our feelings.  We both go from ok… to irate in about 2 sentences or 2 seconds.  We get angry, upset, have an altercation that is really intense… don’t talk about it… then we just go on.  Still holding it inside… still letting it fester.  If there is a happy moment, a smile, a laugh, – I feel like crying.  It is an intensified state of emotions.  I’m not looking for a solution to this… I know how to solve it… I just can’t … right now.  We just have to deal with it for now… I guess.

It is hard…