I’m lying in bed… trying to sleep.  We have this fish tank and when you’re just about to drift off, well, it sounds like rain.  That got me thinking about the first few lines of a song I loved as a teenager, I think it was Skid Row who sang it.  It reminds me of my dad… Ron.  He was an amazing person.  He somehow ‘touched’ the lives of every single person who met him.  He had this way of making things make sense.  Didn’t matter how confusing, baffling, upsetting, or crazy it was… he just had this way of helping you deal with it.  And he didn’t make a big deal about it.  He… was Christopher’s Papa.  Here are the verses that I was thinking of:

Woke up to the sound of pouring rain
The wind would whisper and I’d think of you
And all the tears you cried, that called my name
And when you needed me I came through

I paint a picture of the days gone by
When love went blind and you would make me see
I’d stare a lifetime into your eyes
So that I knew you were there for me
Time after time you were there for me

I know that song has a completely different meaning than what I’m feeling… but there are songs that do that to us.

And all the tears you cried that called my name…My dad cried a lot of tears for Christopher.  A lot.  In fact, I would say that my dad had more emotion invested into his grandson than anyone I know.  What I mean is that every single day he would ask how Christopher was doing.  How is he?  How are his eyes doing?  What are his pressures?  He’d tell me that there were 1,000’s of people praying for him.  And he made sure there were literally thousands of people praying.  And they prayed across the world… really… (he was an internet radio personality).  I cry for you almost every day Dad… I really miss you… I miss you for me… for Christopher… for your guidance… for you love… and for your strength.

The part of the song that talks about “when love went blind… you’d make me see… ”  I just can’t tell you how much that verse touches me.  I don’t even think I could explain it… I could write a book on what that means to me, Christopher, my dad, everyone I know … just about… but what I can tell you is that I’ve felt cold and heartless in the past few years… and it was my dad who would show me that love is needed in this world.  Anger and bitterness will only lead to an ugly life.

I’d stare a lifetime into your eyes…I know, Dad, that you’d have given anything to make sure his eyes stay healthy and so that he can see for as long as he is alive.

So that I knew that you were there for me… Dad… I really miss you.  You were there for me… a lot.  I really miss you and no one can replace you… I’m a total wreck on my own without you to lean on and I try… and try to be strong… like I know you would want me to.  But when I internalize my thoughts, trying to ‘hear” what you would say… I feel like I’m hearing a fake… I feel like I’m trying to ‘trick’ myself into being strong.  I’m just not.

But then… I feel that a change is coming.  I feel that I have to be strong… for Christopher.  I’m not saying that to be cliché.  I’m saying it because of the debt I owe you for being there for me and my family.  I’ll be strong for Christopher… maybe he’ll see that in me and be able to pass it on to his children one day.  And if, ever, the day comes when he says “Daddy, thanks for being strong for me.”  I’ll definitely tell him it was because of you.

Dad, Christopher, Laura, Kevin and I all love and miss you…

RIP … Ron… 4-25-2010