That is a tough question. I was speaking to someone really close to me recently. They caught me at a bad moment and asked me “How was I handling things?” Specifically, Christopher’s glaucoma issues. That turned into a very heartfelt, emotional “spilling of the beans”, if you will, of how crappy… emotionally… my wife and I are right now. My very close – person – asked me early on, “Why (there is that nightmare of a word I abhor) did I think I was at the point in my life?” She was referring to a Higher Power… She wanted me to answer something along the lines of “Because I’m not going to church”… or ” I’m not following God’s will” right now… or something to that affect. This person, you see, believes that everything in life is fixed by God… or is lost as a result of not “following” or “believing in” or “not being true to” God. And that is great. For that person. They can believe that all they want.

I ignored the first allusion to God… and, hoping that person would offer some sort of encouragement – that came from their heart and didn’t include a reference to God – of their own… kept spilling my heart. They kept asking me questions of concern (and let me tell you up front… they truly are a concerned person. They love me and my wife … and, of course, Christopher… and want the best for us.) and prompting me to “share” my turmoils with them… so I kept on letting them know how low I have been recently (just read the posts… and you’ll know!)

Then, that person pushed me across the line and I said something that I wish I hadn’t to them. Mainly, out of respect for their beliefs. I was explaining what we go through every day… the constant battle with patching, eye drops that make my son’s eyes sting for 5 minutes after each one… twice a day… the constant trips to the Surgeon’s office and the hospital. The worry – constantly – over things that can increase the pressure in the eyes… Basically, the torture that we HAVE to put our son through – all day – every day… with no sense of “closure” or even a sense of security that it will all be ok in the end… and I told them that I – myself – am tortured, mentally, with the question of “Why?” every day… that I ask it all day… every day… all night… dream about it… wake up to it… and can’t seem to stop seeing and hearing the question… WHY?….

It was at that moment… that this person asked me the wrong question at the wrong time… “Well, who are you asking the question too?” I repeated it back to her… “Who am I asking the question too?”… “What do you mean… Who am I asking the question too?” I knew good and well who they were referring too… I just wanted them to say it… Silence…

At that moment I toyed with the idea of playing along and ignoring it… letting it go… But I just couldn’t! I am 20 months into this mess… and it has weighed heavy on me since day one… and the burden has gotten heavier since then. It seem insurmountable at times.

“Why don’t you just say who you mean! Why don’ t you stop dancing around ‘who’ you think I should be asking the question too!” I barked! “You want me to say ‘God’ … You want to know if I’ve asked God ‘Why?'”

“Well… I’ve asked God… Why have you let my son get this terrible disease?”

“Why have you allowed this torture to go on with me… (and others) and my son?”

“Why … Why… Why…….”

“And I don’t hear anything when I ask….”

“Why don’t YOU ask him for me and let me know what he says!” I cried into the phone.

The fact of the matter is… God or no God… my son has this condition. I don’t know why? If there is a God… then he should know why! And the common thought is – amongst “God fearing Christians” is that There is a God… AND … That God is omniscient & omnipotent (all knowing and all powerful). If there truly were a God… and I would have NO problems believing there is… Why (there’s that damning question again!) doesn’t he just “heal” Christopher’s (and all of the other) congenital glaucoma cases in the world right now? If that happened… We would all go out and “Proclaim” the good news and there would be so many conversions it would replace the “Clinton v. Barrack” spectacle in the news!

Yeah… yeah… faith… my faith is just about tapped out. Sorry… but it is. I’m no “Job” … I can’t just keep believing “blindly” that all is well that ends well…

But one comment from that entire conversation keeps sticking out in my mind…

“Who are you asking your questions to?”

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